his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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