just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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