Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
