I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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