Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
