How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
