she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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