oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
