One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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