I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
