I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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