She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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