I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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