nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
