i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
