I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
