she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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