funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
