My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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