yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
