I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
