a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
