Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
