I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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