dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
