i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
false alarm, still single
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
