Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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