who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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