i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
