why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
