Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
