White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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