i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
