I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
