Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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