Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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