You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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