What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
True college students do jello shots in the library
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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