we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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