I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
