U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
