he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
