I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
