Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
