With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
