i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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