I wish my penis had an off switch
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He shit in the fireplace
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
