Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
