I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
