$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
